This may well be a matter of personal preference, but 'shouted' to me carries either no emotional connotation or some subtle negative connotation, depending on circumstance. The use of 'shouted' for Twilight's exclamation when she sees Princess Celestia niggles at me a bit, too. It does serve well to alert the reader that this is going to be written from Twilight's perspective, and I know you have a big enough following that you're not going to lose a whole lot of readers with that block of text, but if I didn't know who you were, I would find it particularly intimidating. It's chock full of words with three or more syllables. On the critical side, I feel like that first paragraph is a bit of a beast to get through. It's very breezy and natural, and quite fun to read. The stand-out bit of this for me is definitely the banter surrounding Starflower's request for a library card. I like the conceit, and of course the writing is solid. New story! So I think it's about time to read some of your stuff instead of just following.Ī short chapter, so there's not a whole lot to say here. She’s writing everything down while the two older mares talk about things way over her head. Maybe rewrite this from Starflower’s perspective. The conversation that Twilight and Celestia have while Starflower is filling out the form is cute, but is it necessary? The form-filling is the important action, and I think our attention should be focused there. What’s the desk made out of? Are there a lot of windows? How high do the stacks go? You want to weave those facts into the action. We know it’s a library, but picture the library that you’re thinking of in your head. Speaking of which, I’d like more description overall. The unicorn filly, on the other hoof, needs more description. 2.ĝoes Twilight not immediately recognize Princess Celestia? If she does, then there’s no need to say that she saw a stately wide alicorn. Can you indicate the same state or emotion with some form of action? It would punch up the chapter and make it a little more than a couple of ponies standing around talking. You might try doing a search on “ly” and finding all the adverbs that way, then ask yourself if each one is necessary. You use a lot of adverbs in your dialogue attributions.
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